Don't Be Bitter, Be Better - Part Three

MY BOYS AND ME

Before this devastating ordeal, my boys and I were inseparable. We have a bond that is built on genuine love and support for one another.

We talked about everything. My children are comfortable discussing things with me that as a mom I wasn’t always quite ready to discuss, but they would insist.

We would go to the movies, play games on Friday nights, cook, go on outings, or even just stay home where they would lie in my bed, and take control of my TV.

We are very active in church. I taught them about God and to develop relationship with him. To go to church but also be the church in their everyday life. I taught them their heritage, culture and to be proud of who they are. I taught them to value, love and respect one another.

My boys are amazing.

We were inseparable! No one knew until the day of this ordeal transpired that my children temporarily didn’t live with me. That’s how inseparable we were!

This separation has taken a toll on all of us physically, mentally and emotionally.

PERSEVERANCE THROUGH ADVERSITY

Finally, our new home was ready to move in and I physically moved into our home on October 28, 2016. I had not moved in furniture until the next day. It was a bitter sweet moment because although all my hard work and sacrifice resulted in obtaining our new home, I wouldn’t have my children to be there. Home was no longer home. ACS came to see my apartment the same day but said there were no beds. I told them that I had just moved in and it will be in by the weekend. I asked that they schedule an appointment to come see the home but their response was that they had to wait to see if the courts tell them to.

The judge ruled at the 1028 hearing that my children were at imminent risk because it seemed I had been unstable in my living my arrangements for a while. I didn’t see how it was better to potentially destroy a family rather than do everything possible to keep them together.

In the end, Julius was sent to live with his father in Pennsylvania and Zahir remained in foster care with my Godmother. Although I was relieved that they were with family and not with strangers it still hurt that they didn’t allow them to come home.

A week after my children were removed, I started calling my caseworker to get the referral for my services. I didn’t get the referrals until about three months later in January.

The site that they referred me to wasn’t thought out on many levels. They referred me to to a parenting class that required insurance even though they knew that I didn’t have insurance through my employer at the moment. The parenting class offered by ACS was almost $1000. I asked my caseworker if the agency knew of any free services or would pay or help me for services. She told me “that’s not what we do.”

I was frustrated because not only couldn’t I afford to pay for the services, but the location was not feasible for me either. It would make it difficult for me to attend work and see my son so I had no choice but to search for my own services.

I finally found a parenting class for $675 that worked with my schedule. I started in January 2017. It was the same with the individual therapy but this time I knew what to expect. The one they referred me to didn’t have any appointments to start therapy until 3 months later and they would have charged me $45 for each visit. I started my initial visit which only entailed filling out paperwork and they charged me $45. My 2nd visit was sort of like the first. The lady doing the registration gathered information about the case and asked questions about my boys and I and I was charged another $45 and yet still have not started therapy or met with the Doctor. In the meantime, I looked for another to start individual therapy and was able to do it with a church that I was familiar with at no charge!

The services although seem to be the most important thing to accomplish it was proving to be the hardest!

I went to individual therapy twice a week for a total of 8 sessions and family therapy, which only included Zahir because Julius wasn’t under ACS’s care, he was with his father who lives in another state.

There were nights I would cry myself to sleep or couldn’t sleep because I was so emotionally and mentally drained. I was so stressed that I would show up to work physically but not mentally. I was strategizing on how to pay for the services and still do for my children while paying to commute to and fro an 1hr and half away in Suffolk county where I live at our new apartment.

I didn’t see my kids for almost three months after the remand, and they had not seen each other. I was so hurt being away from my children. I couldn’t imagine life without them. My heart felt as if it was ripped to pieces. It’s a feeling that even a description is an understatement and doesn’t do justice to how it really felt being without each other. My children didn’t even speak to each other on the phone. After my son was sent to Pennsylvania there was absolutely no communication between my children and I had not seen them until January. I was put on supervised visits without a valid reason of why but that it was protocol. This was how my visits were like for the first eight months of my case even though there was no charge of physical abuse or anything of that nature.

My visits started first at the ACS office, twice a week only seeing Zahir. Julius would come on weekends in which I would see them together. We made the best of our time together and was very happy but when it was time to end the visit it became very hard for all of us.

It hurt me so bad to see and hear my children hurt and cry to come home.

My eldest son went through moments of having suicide thoughts. There was a time where I was staying in queens, wherever I could for months, just so I could be close to him and help him cope with it all.

Through it all, I still managed to pay for and finish my services in four months, work a 9-hour shift, be on time for my visits, and still shop and provide clothing and other things for my children. Looking back, the services provided just made my life more complicated. The services felt like it was set up to encourage you to give up even though it’s impossible to move forward without finishing them. Individual therapy and family therapy was needed because the sudden separation that was done to our family. Prior to, services such as help in temporary housing until my place was ready, was more ideal.

Sometime in March was my next court case. I had completed parenting classes, I was taking individual counseling and almost done with family counseling but still wasn’t reunited back with my children. The judge did not want to release my children until after a fact finding of neglect was determined. The judge implied that if I took a guilty plea she would come to a resolve. If I pleaded guilty it would be on my record and if I ever considered getting my nieces back, which she knew I was in the process of doing, this will only complicate and prevent it from being done. I refused because I was not guilty of anything but doing what I needed to do as a single parent to better support my children.

It was a total of eight months of supervised visits before I was transitioned to unsupervised visits with my children. It was the worst feeling to know the type of mother I am and many to vouch the same and have to succumb to being “watched” while being and interacting with my children like I was some criminal. I was treated like I left them out in the street or in a dumpster somewhere.

Stay tuned for Part 4...