Trust Him Through It All

“There is no heart beat.” She moved the monitor from left to the right side of my stomach. “I do not hear a heartbeat,” the nurse said. Things were not clear in my mind as to what was going on. No one said anything to me nor my husband. The other nurses and doctors rushed into my hospital bedroom, I saw a startled look on all their faces. My blood pressure was taken and it read 215/113. I heard them say we have to take her downstairs and get her blood pressure down. I asked what about my baby? What is going on? I knew something was not right, but I did not panic. I started praying with my husband as they rushed me downstairs to ICU. I remember saying, "I trust you God, I trust you God". Still confused, I was injected with medicine to bring my pressure down and told to take some pressure pills. I asked what is going on? and I remember the doctor telling me we are trying to get your blood pressure down now because you can go into cardiac arrest and as for the baby we are not too sure how long he has been like this, but our concern is that nothing happens to you. My blood pressure had then dropped too low and they did not want to chance trying to have surgery to save the baby because I may have bled out. I ultimately felt like I was in the twilight zone. I was getting ready to leave the hospital the next day and going to be put on bed rest because my blood pressure was fluctuating. 7 ½ months pregnant, I just had a sonogram the night before and everything was perfect, strong heartbeat, baby weight was great, vitals great, everything was great. I never knew the next day that my baby boy Josiah Joshua would pass away.

After recovering in ICU, I was given an epidural the next day and delivered my beautiful baby boy the day after. During this process, I knew what the doctors told me as my son lay in my stomach but the faith I had because of my relationship with God, I trusted him. I knew he was a miracle worker, I knew he healed the sick and raised the dead and I knew if he did it for others he could do it for my baby. I told my husband, “I trust God, if it is meant for our son to be here then when I push him out he will be alert and well, if not then God’s will be done.” I pushed three times and that third push my baby boy came out. I listened out for a cry, but silence hit the room, even from the doctors and nurses. I knew right then and there that God’s will was done. My baby was taken to the morgue. I didn’t try to understand because I knew that if I did I would never get the answer from man that I was looking for. My husband and I purchased an outfit for him so we could have a little ceremony and have him buried.

All during this process I was still in shock, everything seemed so surreal but I continued to trust in God. As the tears flowed, the heartache overwhelming at times I remember questioning myself, “Did I do something wrong?” “How am I supposed to go back to work without a baby? My students are going to ask me questions, am I ready for this?” But truly the support and prayers from our natural and church family and friends truly uplifted our spirits. I remember one youth that I mentored telling me, “Jenny don’t give up we need you” and I began to think about it and realized that not only is this a test of your faith, but God has called you for a higher purpose and I eventually accepted the call to ministry.

I rarely talk about this and am grateful for this platform that God has laid on Nicole Jackson’s heart. There are so many more details to this testimony, but I pray that this has encouraged someone to know that no matter the situation , TRUST God. It is definitely not easy at times and your vision can get blurred, but don’t give up. The word of God and one of my favorite scriptures states: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path". Proverbs 3:4-6. Be encouraged my sister and brother!