Journeys of Endurance
At the beginning of this year, I turned 31 years old. I should have been excited because I made it a whole year after one of the hardest years of my life. I wasn't excited though. I was filled with so much anxiety, that, the day before my 31st birthday, I attempted to take my own life. Only my plan didn't work. The 11 pills wouldn't go down. I gagged them back up, grabbed my things, and headed out crying all the way to church to sing background and serve at someone else's funeral. WOW, who does that? I thought to myself. I walked in, washed my face, and went on to celebrate my birthday the next day after serving at the repast. By May of this year, I began to experience anxiety attacks because the enemy brought back to me everything that occurred in my life last year when I took sick. I was diagnosed with major depression and because of it, I haven't worked in over a year.
Let's rewind, everyone usually looks forward to turning 30 years old. Most people feel they are well into their adulthood and have accomplished some of their life goals. Last year, when I turned 30, I felt everything opposite of accomplished. In fact, I felt like a failure, like I wasted so many years and still didn't know what I wanted out of life. My dreams started to feel like a horizon that could never be reached, my hope began to fade away, and my zest for life itself began to spiral down. This was what i called the darkest time of my life. By the end of April, I still couldn't shake the feeling of failure. I felt like I failed God, everyone, and myself. I felt like no one saw me unless I was singing to them or taking them into a worship experience, but they couldn't see that I was dying on the inside. Not only did I lose my zest for life, but for a brief moment. I also lost my zeal for being creative. Singing, writing, praise dancing, and most of all, my passion for teaching.
In the beginning of May, when the doctors diagnosed me with depression, though medically diagnosed it had been an ongoing battle for me for years. For years, I battled low self esteem and rejection. As a child, I dealt with my dad leaving at 5 years old, to my Godfather disowning me, and even my step father in my latter years. I experienced bullying and group bullying as a child. I was abused in several forms beginning at the age of 13. I became suicidal at the age of 14 and for years, I've battle with suicidal thoughts. Here is thing though, most of my battle has been in silence because I keep everything in and that's the quickest way to end up in a place that you can no longer function which is where I ended up last year.
