Beauty & Brains

I always felt awkward at times about myself. Why? The true origin and start date can never be too sure, but it had been a while for sure. There was always something I was insecure about. Whether it be my big eyes, dark gums, overbite, being a little "thick", not dressing the best...you get the point. I was always self-conscious about something concerning me. Growing up was difficult for me because I often gene awkward or skipped over because of the way I looked. Whether or not it was the reason, that's how I felt. I believe this lead to a lot of self-doubt and getting myself into the wrong situations.

Going to High school was honestly awkward for me. I went to a magnet school for my 8th grade year and didn't really remember anybody from 7th grade. I still remember what I wrote the first day of high school in 2005: dark blue bellbottom jeans with a dark and light brown striped shirt with a white collar. One thing I know people always looked at was my big brown eyes. I took that for people potentially wanting to be nice to me. I remember this come like was yesterday. I was in the marching band and we were having a football game. My mom couldn’t make this game, so my friend Nia's mom offered to take me home since Nia was in the band too. As I was waiting for Nia, three football players asked me was I going to the party at one of the player's house. I said no. They each tried to make me come but I said no. When one of the guys grabbed me, I pushed him back and another one hit me. When I woke up, I was in the woods behind the school being raped by three guys from the football team. All I could do was cry because I was only 13. I remember the voice that stopped it all: the head football coach. He called down into the woods right before he came down and got me. The next few months were very hard for me. I had immediately switched schools, but the people in the school knew what happened at my old school, or at least what they heard. The first day of school, I got into a fight. By the second week of school, I joined a gang because I was bitter...I was just that bitter. I started fighting everyday because I was so hurt. I could've lost my life many times, but God.

If I didn’t live through it, I wouldn’t be able to imagine it. Walking through the halls as a new transfer student in my freshman year and people looking at me whispering down the halls like “did you hear about that new girl? I heard she did…” and so on. It was so hard to deal with. Knowing that everyone THOUGHT they knew you, but honestly had no idea. If they would’ve just asked, they would’ve known that I was the victim and not one of these girls out here acting crazy. I would rush to my next class or find myself in the band room hanging out until the halls were clear. People sometimes tried to make fun of me because I seemed to be so awkward until they got to know the Kelsie who just didn’t care and wanted to fight any and everybody because she was so bitter. I was just so bitter.

Once I joined the gang, yeah, I had people who had my back, but I also became a target. Of course, there were other gangs in the school and at first, everybody knew who I was. I can’t count all the times I’ve been in fights, witnessed fights, got jumped by men and women, jumped into fights, been held at knife and/or gunpoint….everything. It’s hard sometimes to keep your sanity when it’s like that. You have some sense of paranoia because you’re always the one looking to simply just live another day. Even if I wasn’t lying for me, I wanted to live for my family. I didn’t want them to have to bury me and I hadn’t even had a chance to get my life together yet.

When my sister came to high school two years after me, I was honestly scared for the first time in a while. I know I was living “my life,” but I didn’t want my life to have a negative impact on my sister - I didn’t want her getting caught in the crossfire. There were a few times when she almost got caught in the crossfire, but people respected me enough to come to me and leave my sister out of it. One time though…one time it was to the point where it could’ve ended both of our lives…

I had gotten into big fight with a guy and won. Long story short, he felt he had something to prove so he called up his whole set from D.C. and they were coming to the school to try to kill me and anyone who stood in their way. Though I was in sin, God still looked out for my sister and I. I had a couple of friends who were in the set coming to get me and they warned me. Not only did they warm me, they were able to work with my family and I to get my sister and I moved to another high school.

When I got to this school, I could’ve had a fresh slate, but I chose to continue what I was doing at my old school? Why, because I was HURTING. For some reason, I had blamed myself for me being raped. For YEARS, I felt that maybe if I did something different it wouldn’t be my fault. I felt that maybe if it never happened, I wouldn’t have joined the gang and lived a normal life.

My mother and high school administrator really pushed me to go to college because they wanted me to be better and do better. It was hard though because of my high school GPA. In fact, you are supposed to graduate with a 1.8, but my high school administrator made sure that if I could at least get a 2.0 my last semester, I would graduate. It wasn't that I wasn’t smart, it's just that I was truly hurting on the inside. Though I had a list of maybe’s to go through, I had to deal with the here and now. How did I do it though?

Well, the first thing I had to do was find my way out this gang. Of course people believe that you only can get out through death, but even then, God had favor on me. Though I was jumped out and beat badly, I didn’t lose my life - I’m still here to tell the story. Truth be told, the first days and months after that ordeal were crazy. I can’t lie and say that there were times that I didn’t want to go back to that life, but it was really because that’s what I knew. Though I got saved right before I left the gang (what really prompted me to leave), I still wanted to go back at times. It took me really letting go. I had to let go of the hurt of being raped, let go of believing that it was my fault when it wasn’t, and let go of everything that reminded me of that life. It didn’t happen right away, trust me. It took me years to truly process the change, but one thing I was grateful for was the fact that I was strong enough to make the change. I had to realize that bad things can happen to good people, it was just a matter of how the person came out of the obstacle. I didn’t run from it, I decided to run right through it. Honestly, that’s what you have to do. Don’t try to find the way around it. You HAVE TO go right through it. You HAVE TO beat it, don’t let it beat you!

Moving forward, I’m definitely in a better place now. Though I have yet to finish college, I'm in three nationally recognized honors societies. It wasn't always this way though. I had to start over twice in college due to financial issues with the schools. My grades were always good, but setting aside the finances for college often wasn't as good. I made mistakes that should've been avoided, but I thank God for His grace and mercy even keeping me through it all. Though it's taking me a while to finish college, I do not regret the time I've put into loving myself and learning my craft. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I serve a perfect God that loves me His own. I wouldn't trade that for the world. I thank God for my beauty and brains.

-Kelsie.Janel