To Hell And Back, He Saved Me

To hell and back! Wow, I don't know where to begin so I'm just going to go with it. In two more weeks, I will be 38 years old. It’s only because of God’s grace that I'm still here.

Five months after the birth of my daughter, I swallowed a whole bunch of pills. I wrote a letter to my daughter and husband telling them they deserve better than me. I laid down beside my sleeping daughter and I woke up in the hospital four days later on life support. God saved me. He said it wasn't my time. I had more to offer and today I know it's true.

I survived a mother not wanting me and trying to pimp me to her drug dealers. I am a rape survivor. I overcame my addiction to alcohol and drugs and two domestic violence relationships. I survived homelessness and the temporary loss of my daughter. Today, my life is different. I'm dancing to a new beat. God has pulled me out of the fire. Today, I have my daughter back and the loving support of her and my husband. I have enrolled in school for Psychology and I will be starting in the Fall. The biggest thing I've done is rededicated my life back to God. Without Him, none of this would have been possible. Let me say this, every day is not a good day, but each day that goes by it gets better. Today the sun is shining, life seems hopeful. Today, I see the good in me instead of all the ugly things that happened to me. Today, I want to live. Trust me when I say I wouldn't change not one thing I've been through. It has helped me to become the woman that I am today.

I fell into a deep depression and felt all alone. I blamed myself for everything that happened to me and felt that I wasn't worthy of love. To anyone who is feeling like this, I encourage you to talk about with someone just to get it out. You are not who people say or think about you. We are all worthy of love and God loves us in spite of all our faults. You have to love yourself and see the good in you and all the good you have to offer the world. We don't have to be a victim of our environment or circumstances. For me, I started talking about what I was feeling. Every time I look at my daughter, I know I want better for her and the only way that could happen was by creating a better me. So, I started working on me, loving me, and not looking for love from people. I pray constantly and surround myself around loving people. It's not easy, but every day it gets better.

Today, I surrender everything to God and let Him direct my footsteps. I stopped being so hard on myself and realized, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Today, I love me and see the strong woman that I am becoming and not the person I once was. Today, I'm that caterpillar busting out its cocoon. I love me today.