The Gift Of Hope
Someone once asked me if I believed in miracles. When asked, I responded with this: "You're looking at one!"
At the age of 23, I know for a fact that God is real. Too real. By the fact that I'm still here after all that I have been through there's not a single doubt in my mind. From losing my 23-year-old mother at the age of two, almost getting killed in an earthquake, battling depression, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and abuse, and being in and out of foster care, plus losing my father to cancer, I can truly say that God has never left my side.
Even now, while battling severe anemia, asthma, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, and endometrial cancer, I know that God is able to do all but fail me. Last year, I was in and out of the hospital, getting blood transfusions every two months, and just last Thursday I had to get another one. I'm not going to lie, there are times when I feel like the pressures of life engulf me and I'm drowning.
I didn't like myself, because I didn't know myself. There are times where I even see myself lost in a huge crowd, trying to find my way; I'm tapping on people's shoulders trying to get their attention while asking, “Excuse me, can you show me how to get there?” But it's like they're mute, blind, and deaf--they don't see me, neither do they hear me. So I begin to panic as I spin in circles in search of help, when all of a sudden a hand grabs mine and takes me out of the chaos. I suddenly feel sane and safe again. You see, I've learned that it's not about what you've lost, but what you've gained; and I've gained some weapons of mass destruction! Have you ever played a videogame where you have so many people shooting at you, but you just go crazy and start killing all of your enemies coming your way? Most of the time, you're able to collect items from them and move on to the next phase of the game. They say when you're destined for greatness, hardship is your portion, but with the Lord on your side you can make it through. When we go through our portions of hardship, we ought to look at each obstacle as each enemy from the videogame.
For me, I use prayer, the word of God, worship, praise, laughter and my ability to write as weapons of mass destruction to knock down each enemy so that I can continue to move forward to the next phase of my life. When I pray, I tell God EVERYTHING! How I feel, what I think, what I did, what I want to do--even if it's not the nicest. The key is being honest...even though He already knows. I use the word of God to encourage me and to remind God what He's already said. I'm a music lover. I love to sing and I love the sound of good music; but given that chance to steal away and worship, I find myself lost in the presence of God and His power equipping me with the strength I need. After acknowledging Him for who He is, I am then able to praise Him for what He has already and is about to do. When the moments of sorrow kick in and my mind becomes overwhelmed and I feel my heart ready to crumble like the cracker in a 1-year-old’s hand; I allow myself to shed tears to release the anguish and hurt. Then in order to lift myself up, I find ways to make myself laugh. I'll either watch a funny video or begin to clown around with some friends. The key is to allow yourself to feel, go through this phase, but not stay there. I've been stuck before, but I'm so glad that I have the ability to rise...and so do you!
Lastly, the weapon of pen and paper; my ability to write. For so long, I've had a vivid imagination, I just never really had an outlet. When I was in elementary school, I had a teacher that would put me on the spot about not being finished with assignments when everyone else was. I was a slow writer. I was taught that presentation was everything and if I wrote fast it would be sloppy. So I hated writing. It wasn't until I faced tragedy that I was able to appreciate the craft of writing. I started with a diary, then poetry and then novels. I haven't published anything yet, but stay tuned. You know, it's funny how God can make your weakness your strength! I couldn't see myself with a bright future for so long because I was just entering the tunnel, but it's not until you go THROUGH the tunnel you can begin to see the light at the end.
